You Don't Have To Be Ashamed

 It's taken a very long time for me to be comfortable with the act of sexual intimacy. I'm on the asexual spectrum, and sex has never been at the forefront of what I value the most in a relationship. It has never been a dealbreaker for me in any way, and lack of sex to me does not signify a failing relationship. But not all of that disregard is rooted in me being ace. A small part of it is due to learned – or taught to be more precise – patterns of thinking. 

When I hit puberty at the age of 11 just like my mom, the girls in the locker rooms taught me to be ashamed of my body. They wrongfully violated my personal space and harassed me for something I absolutely could not control. As my body was changing at a rapid rate, I felt even more helpless at the mercy of my Friends, because this was something that was fundamentally decided FOR me – by my genetics. 

And here I was, being turned into a public spectacle for discreetly grabbing a pad out of my backpack before going to the bathroom. 

And then in the evening, as I was getting ready for bed, I looked at my naked body in the mirror and felt violated for looking at my own developing chest. 

So how could I ever be comfortable with sharing that level of intimacy with another person, when I was shamed for even having a human body to begin with?

shame.

The female figure without clothing absolutely terrified me. In hindsight, I can definitely tell that I felt some type of way about a woman's body, and it was not all negative. But because of the teachings of my Friends, I was made to think that the beautiful curves of the feminine were disgraceful and shameful, so I didn't even dare to go any further. So I buried those thoughts and feelings deep within my heart, eventually losing the sight of them entirely, forgetting that they ever existed at all. 

But at one point, they forced themselves back into my perception, and I couldn't close my eyes anymore. I had to acknowledge them, try to accept the fact that they were there. But that turned out to be way more difficult than necessary. It took me one co-dependent relationship with a man to realize why none of it was working out for me. 

Oh, and there was someone else too.

My girlfriend has helped me unlearn a lot of the shame I have surrounding sexual intimacy. They have helped me with being comfortable in my own body, being comfortable with the feelings of sexual attraction and affection. I don't feel the need to hide myself from them, no matter the situation. Because I know that I can trust them.

Lover would never do what my Friends did to me. And I can let out a sigh of relief as a feel the burden of shame slipping off of my shoulders. 

With acceptance,

ichigonya