I have been drawing for as long as I can remember. Once I was able to pick up a pen and do scribbly lines with it, I never put it down. I have a very extensive background on making art, including seven years worth of voluntary course-based art education outside of my own school. There are less art mediums I am not familiar with than ones I have tried. That is to say that I have tried pretty much every traditional visual art medium under the Sun, and out of them all I have found a few things that speak to me: pencil, inking, and markers. I'm a traditional artist utilizing almost exclusively traditional mediums. I like to call myself an illustrator more than anything else since my focus is on illustrating feelings, emotions, thoughts, dreams, and scenes.
My foundation as an artist is built upon anime and manga. At eight years old, I fell in love with one cute anime girl with pink hair and cat ears, and I decided I wanted to learn how to draw her. That is what lead me to learning the human anatomy, and now, my illustrations consist of various human characters. I am not a mangaka as I don't draw Japanese comics, and calling me a manga artist isn't right either. Manga and anime are my biggest influences in terms of style, that is all.
DEATH ON A PAPER – ART PROJECT BY ICHIGONYA
I started working on this art project in summer 2022 when I was put into the psych ward. I spent about a month at the hospital, and during those four weeks I was drawing a lot. I was using art as a medium for dealing with my very intense and uncontrollable emotions. Now, I have decided I want to bring those drawings together and continue creating more in that same way. This collection of artworks is called Death On A Paper. These drawings will be showcased on this blog, but my Instagram and Tumblr accounts are just for my art.
This art project consists of multiple collections. Each of those collections is built upon either a feeling, a symptom, an event, or a reaction that is connected to my experiences with bullying, complex childhood trauma, and borderline personality disorder. On this page, I will introduce the collections as each of them begin to take its form while I'm working on the texts for this blog.
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CHAPTER 1: BLAME
"Hi, it's me, ichigonya. People have blamed me for a lot of things; for a lot of my own pain and for a lot of others'. Blame has been cast upon me when I've opened my mouth to voice my opinion. Blame is the hands around my throat, the bag on my head. The way people hurt me was blamed on me, and so was the pain that hurt caused. But it didn't end there, because slowly, I realized that I had started to accept that blame, and it became a part of who I was. Who I still am. We are one and the same. And this is my testament."
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top: acceptance, important notices, your fault, not a trauma, bullying works
bottom: let go of your past, a favor, did you crack the code, not a word for you to use |
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CHAPTER 2: BLADE
"...what should I introduce myself as? I feel like I was supposed to have a real name, and maybe I had one at some point, but now there's nothing there. Nothing but the dull ache in my heart, soul, arms. My skin is mutilated, my tears forever stained my face; face set in a smile. Even though there's nothing to be smiling about. ....other than the Gift the Friend gave me so generously. The Gift I always keep with me, around my neck as the most beautiful piece of jewelry I've ever owned. It is so shiny, so sharp, with the metallic taste of blood lingering on it. The Friend is so kind for giving me such a perfect Gift... I will never be able to repay it for her. One more reason to pick up the Blade."
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top: an itch under my skin, stop hurting us, a present
middle: disconnect, there's no one there
bottom: dig, giving up, another puddle of your blood |
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CHAPTER 3: SOS
"There are times when I feel like none of the choices I make today do any good for me. My past, present, and future have all been pre-determined, other people have paved my path already, and I can't turn around anymore. The bridge to that life was burned years ago. But this path is burning my feet, it's filled with cracks, holes, and traps. I don't want to walk this path, but I don't have any other choice. Any other choice than jump into the river cascading right next to me and my tiny path. Should I take that leap of faith now?"
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top: rain, desperation, team tasks, all i'll ever get, bathroom 1
bottom: bathroom 2, take me away, sign, too much pressure, we didn't know |
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CHAPTER 4: ACHE
"My arms, my legs, my chest...my entire body is aching. It's in a constant stage of pain, never getting a relief from it. Sometimes my limbs start shaking and convulsing too, so badly that I am rendered powerless and immobile. There is nothing I can do to stop the shaking, the pain slicing through my muscle tissue – I am forced to live with it every single day, twenty-four hours a day. Why does my body also need to hurt this much? Isn't it enough that my heart and soul are suffering all the time? How is it fair that I have to endure all of this misery, just because of what happened to the Kid? My life is a punishment for me for allowing such atrocities to ruin myself. Shame on me."
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top: when is it enough, trauma in the body 1, pull 2, kitty
bottom: make it stop, help, trauma in the body 2, pull 1 |
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CHAPTER 5: WORDS
"Once I told Lover this very simple sentence: 'I love words.' It became a thing for us to talk about, and they always remind me how cute they thought I was saying that. And it's true; I love words and language like the crisp and cold air on a winter morning in a small Finnish town. Words are my muses, both in inspiration and celebration of art. I make art for words and because of words; my heart beats for them like it does for my love. My head is filled with words of two different kinds – one with far too many vowels and the other with too many g's and b's. Words define my person and my story – but not only because I love them, but also because they are slicing the core of my heart with their sharp edges, they are burning their tramp stamps on my skin, never letting me forget. When I let them in my embrace, they show me their sharpened fangs and tear my scarred skin to shreds. And my blood is dripping down onto the pages of my favorite novel."
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top: b-word, funeral, staircase
2nd: pastel-colored man, ugly, disgusting
3rd: dyke, moonshine, weak
bottom: polyptych tinshoegirl |
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CHAPTER 6: DISCONNECT
"It's like a static in my brain, as if the reception has been lost. I look at myself doing things, but I'm not in control of any of it. I am nothing but an observer of my life, lacking contact to myself and my surroundings. Things have always just happened to me, and I have been forced to take them as they have been. And now, I feel like even my own body is not my own, in my control. I have never been able to decide for myself, other people have always done that without asking me. That cycle never seems to stop, even today, after all this time has passed. I wonder when they'll fix the telephone lines..."
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top: reflection, distortion, tinnitus, autopilot, humor
bottom: film, time, layers, no more tears left to cry, out of body |
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CHAPTER 7: VALID
Work in progress
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