Trauma Doesn't Make You Stronger

  birthday. I can't remember what was the time I actually stopped feeling excited about my birthday. It must have happened somewhere after turning eighteen, because that was still a time when I was excitedly waiting for the day to arrive. But even then, my birthday has never been that good of a day for me – or happy, for that matter.  It's only three weeks after Christmas, we can't give you anything for birthday present anymore.  It's the coldest time of the year, you can't even do anything outside.  It's so dark and gloomy throughout the whole day, all you can do is sit indoors. It's the worst time of the year to be born. The Kid still wanted to enjoy the day somehow, though. I used to throw birthday parties until I turned fourteen, and those parties were strictly for me and my Friends. I didn't want to include my family in them, I was never that close with any of my relatives anyway. So I invited all of my Friends to hang out in our tiny two-room apart

 Every time I talk about the daily abuse I was facing in my childhood and my parents are listening to me, they always say this one thing to me. "If you had just told us how things were really like, we could have done so much more." I know my parents and their intentions; they don't blame me for being abused or traumatized. Both of them have had very long careers in the field of education, and especially my mom knows a lot about kids abusing each other at school. She knows it's never the victim's fault or responsibility, especially if they are already being neglected by those who are supposed to be there for their protection.  No, my parents aren't telling me that it was my fault for not talking about it more and therefore letting the abuse continue unchecked. They're telling me that they feel guilty for not being informed enough on their child's safety and well-being. And I understand that guilt, they have the right to feel that way, even if I don'

 Your mind sometimes plays tricks on you. You see or hear things that aren't really there, and it can really freak you out at first. To a certain extent, sensory hallucinations are normal, because the human brain is so complex that we still don't fully understand its functionalities. Sometimes our brains just make us sense things that aren't real, and there's nothing more to it.  When this becomes a frequent occurrence, though, you should worry about it a little.  Dissociation is a very complex and nuanced state of being for the brain, a different variation of altered perception of reality than psychosis. Similar to psychosis, however, dissociation can also make you hallucinate things that are not real or see reality in a distorted perspective.  I think it was about three years ago when I first started experiencing dissociative hallucinations. At first, they scared the ever-loving shit out of me, because before that I had not had experiences with sensory hallucinations

 There are not a lot of feelings in this world I hate more than loss of control. My life has always been dictated and controlled by everyone else but me; things have just sort of happened to me, while I've been watching from the sidelines. It is an eerie feeling that leaves a deep pit in your stomach, no matter how much you try to ignore it. Eventually, you have to figure out something else to control, something that no one else but you is aware of you're even controlling.  Control and lack thereof takes on many different forms in all of our lives. For me, it ranges between everyday tasks to downright abuse. A lot of my lack of control I have compensated with self-desctructive behavior like self-harm. This is when I am at least somewhat aware of the lack of control I am facing. Sometimes, though, my brain checks itself out without notifying me on its apparent vacay trip, and I am none the wiser. That is when even everyday routine tasks slip away from me, beyond my reaching poin