I Love You

 Love truly is a miracle. For all my life, I know I have felt a lot of love for the people that have been close to me and important to me, and I know that some of them have truly loved me too, still do to this day, or have once loved me but no longer do. The funny thing about love, though, is that there are many different kinds, many different flavors of love out there, but we don't talk about all of them as much as we should. Maybe that's how you get confused oblivious idiots like myself, someone who does not see that they way they feel about the gender society tells them to be attracted is love, yes, but it's a different kind of love. Someone whose entire family have all known that their child is gay, while they are none the wiser. Someone who gets jealous of a dear friend of theirs when they tell them they have a partner of some kind, even though the two have never met in person. And someone who then meets this person, invites them over from all across a whole-ass ocean, sits on the bed with them, holding their hands and thinks "why do I kind of want to kiss her?".

Yeah. About that... 

This person came into my life at the perfect time. They supported me through some of the most traumatizing shit I have faced as an adult, they listened to my obsessive rants on an artist that I kind of like, they spent time with me on video call every weekend hours on end. And we got really close during that time. So close, in fact, that one day I kind of jokingly said, 

"Hey, I would really like to meet you in person one day! Wouldn't that be kinda cool yeah?"

Next thing I knew, they had the plane tickets to Helsinki. And that was when my life changed entirely.

real love.

I was listening to the songs she had recommended to me from her favorite artists, a lot of them being love songs. I was listening to love songs and thinking about them. And it didn't confuse me because I knew what platonic love was at that point. I knew that I was capable of loving someone platonically on a very deep and meaningful level, so I labeled it as that. And I wasn't in the wrong necessarily – at least at that time.

By then, I was aware of the fact that I was a lesbian, that I was attracted to women and wanted a relationship with a woman at some point in my life. But I still wasn't quite sure what that really felt like, what it was like to feel that kind of love for another person, because every interaction with other girls apart from my Real Friends had always been filled with fear and paranoia, feelings of violation and boundaries being crossed. So I just didn't know what that kind of love was supposed to feel like. On some level, I think, I had almost given up on the quest of ever being loved by another woman like that. So I didn't think too much of it. 

"It" being me and them saying those three words to each other daily in our messages. 

Then, we met for the second time in person. And something just clicked, at the right place, at the right time. We were cuddling on her couch, watching concerts and shitty reality TV. My head was resting against her chest, ear pressed on her heart. And I felt so happy I could have died right there, like the hole that had filled my soul since I was a Kid was finally filled with something, someone. And I just had to say it, it couldn't have been anything else than that, it couldn't. It was exactly like people always describe it feeling like, a feeling I thought I would never get the privilege of feeling, nevermind having those feelings reciprocated. Girls were beautiful, scary, attractive, terrifying, enticing, and dangerous. And even then, I still felt the fear of my Friends violating me, but I just knew that they were different, I could trust them wholly, with my heart and soul. So I said it.

"I think I'm falling in love with you."

I had found my person, my Lover. The one and only who I was always supposed to love, be loved by, in every single timeline, in every single universe. And the filth left on my body by my Friends was washed off by their safe and secure hands, teaching me that finally, I could let it all go. And I am so happy I did.

Mä rakastan sua,

ichigonya

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CHAPTER 9: FILTHY – END