"They're Just Jealous"

 Why else would they say those kinds of things? It's all just envy, don't worry about it! You're way ahead of them, that's why they comment on your body like that. Just don't pay them any mind, they don't deserve your attention anyway.

People always try to find a justification for sexual harassment. They find ways to play it off as something that doesn't really matter as much as you feel it violating your entire being. That it's just them joking around, they don't actually feel that way about you. Especially if they're of the same gender as you are, because that would be gay! And gay people don't exist here!

Now, thinking back on those moments, I can say with certainty that at least one of my Friends was a closeted queer girl. She was being so obnoxious about it, it kept going on for years. I mean come on, there is no reason for another girl to be staring at your boobs enough to be able to determine their cup size – unless the gayness is in the room with them.

Whether it was wlw coded or not, it made me feel ashamed of my body, the fast pace it was developing. It made me feel like I was being sexualized by all those other girls, while we were merely in our preteen years. That me just changing my clothes in the PE dressing room was too much for them, in some way or another. That whenever I was getting undressed in any situation, for years to come, I would feel the need to cover myself up, hide my breasts, my armpits, even my ass. Because it was all out on display for everyone to gawk at – even when I was completely alone. 

dressing room 2.

But I wasn't the only one they were gawking at. Some other Kids in that class were subjected to that same behavior. Sometimes I couldn't even tell which one of us they were talking about. Now, I struggle to understand how I didn't see the queer undertones in this interaction, but instead took it as them being jealous of me and the others targets.

But at the end of the day, does that even matter?

Does the context of these moments of harassment matter in how shitty they made me feel? No, it doesn't. Because I was a queer girl too, I was an oblivious closeted lesbian, and I didn't say those kinds of things about other girls. Because you just don't do that. So they shouldn't have either, whether they were queer or not. 

Your body is yours and yours alone. No one gets the right to sexualize without your consent. And if they do, that is sexual abuse.

Revealing myself,

ichigonya