Taking Advantage

 When I go back to those years, those days, those moments, a paralyzing sensation of dread sets over me. It makes me feel violated all over again, and in a lot of ways, I think I am just now truly experiencing the horrible emotions those events caused within me, because I just wasn't aware of any of it. I just didn't know what it even was that I was facing, and why years and years after, I felt uncomfortable and scared around other girls. 

As a Kid, social cues were never my strongest asset. I remember my mom telling me that the only reason why I wasn't allowed to go to elementary a year earlier was my complete lack of social skills. I had the intellect, curiosity, and motivation to learn, and those factors would have granted me a position of advantage – if only my intellect had extended over to understanding social norms and how to interact with other kids. But it didn't, and there is a reason for it. A reason I would have to pay a price too huge for me to ever afford without loans. Loans with interest rates up in the thousands. And no matter how much time passes, I will never pay those loans back.

But even worse than that, I fear, is the fact that the loan guarantor never became aware of their position as the guarantor. Mom didn't assume that spot in any way, and I feel like she would still argue she was never the guarantor. But I know she was, and so does the Kid. Whether or not that matters or changes anything anymore, I don't know.

kabedon.

My Friends took advantage of my lack of understanding social norms. They also took advantage of something that I loved a lot, something that brought me a lot of comfort and joy, and used it for their own benefit, only to further hurt and damage me. It led to so much shame and self-hatred, so much so that for years after, I pretended as if that part of me didn't exist anymore. I pretended as if I had "grown out of that phase", that I was not that lame Kid anymore who liked cute anime girls and stories of love's magical healing powers. 

And it was all their doing. They tainted the very thing I found solace in, put me in situations where they forced me to come out, to expose myself, to let them know what kind of a pervert I really was. They pretended as if they were interested in me and my hobbies, but the only thing they were after was me unintentionally revealing myself and my hidden desires to them – all because I just could not understand certain nuances in social situations. 

And was that ever my fault? No. Otherwise I would have been the loan guarantor. But I was the borrower. And I could not, not then, not now, not ever, pay back my debt. But I have a feeling the guarantor will never realize their obligations, either.

So I guess the only option is to go to court.

Reading the law,

ichigonya