Life Update: Farewell, DBT

 It feels completely unreal that 18 weeks has already passed. 18 weeks since I started going to DBT sessions, 18 weeks since my treatment actually took off. At the beginning, it felt like such a long time, and I was wondering if I'd even be able to concentrate on therapy for so long and so intensely. But now, those 18 weeks have gone by, and I had my last session on Thursday. 

I had been waiting for DBT for about a year at that point when I got accepted into the program. I knew it would be the first step I needed to take in order to help myself feel better. And sure enough, DBT proved to me why it is classified as the main therapy program for people with BPD. I learned so many new skills, so much about myself and other people alike. I was introduced to a whole bunch of practical methods I can do to cut down on the psychological pain I feel every single day – and that was exactly what I needed. 

But that wasn't even the best part to me. 

gratitude. 

When I discovered that the program would involve group sessions, I was terrified. Groups have always been a problem for me, no matter the context. Not in the way that I dislike them per se, just because groups have not worked for me. I've never been accepted into groups, I've never felt like I belong to any community – not even to those that I should feel welcomed in. It's gone to the point that during my adult years, I have slowly but surely given up on my quest of finding a community. It used to be something I longed for, something I was wishing for constantly. But I've existed on this planet for 24 years, and not once have I felt safe and accepted in any groups. So I just gave up on them. 

I wasn't expecting anything else from the DBT group – that it was just an unfortunate reality I had to live with if I wanted to get the help I needed. But for once, I was happy I was wrong. 

I loved every single member of the group. They all brought so much to the dynamic, their openness to share their thoughts and opinions was so welcoming. I enjoyed listening to them talk, and a lot of the times, their words also made me think of something to say. But above all, what I loved the most about them, was the fact that they listened to me and made me feel accepted as I was. I didn't have to censor myself, I didn't have to try and be something I wasn't. I heard from my nurse during the one-on-one sessions that everyone in the group thought I was funny, that my thoughts were valuable and insightful, that they loved having me there. And friends, if I told you I didn't cry, I would be lying. 

One exercise we did in the group really touched me. We were given these forms that we would fill anonymously. The form had the names of each group member and space for you to write something. The task was to write something positive about that person, what you think of them, what you like about them. This also included yourself. We filled out the forms and didn't talk about them for a few weeks. 

Then, Yule/Christmas rolled around. It was one of the last group sessions before the holidays, and the nurses gave us all these tiny envelopes they had crafted themselves. (They were so fucking cute, oh my god!) The envelope had my name on it, and inside, there were these Yule-themed cards. Then I flipped around the cards, and on the backside were written all the positive things everyone had written about me in their forms. Reading them made me cry so hard, but it was a good cry. 

The exercise reminded me a lot of those group tasks we had in elementary: we all had papers stuck on our backs, and everyone was supposed to write something nice about you on it. I hated that task, I hated it so much. Not because I couldn't think of anything positive to say about my classmates, but because of what I received on my note. But this exercise with the DBT group was something else entirely. 

I'm going to miss the group a lot – I already do. Words cannot express just how grateful I am for the healing experiences they gave me, how safe and welcomed they made me feel. I will never forget them and the spirit of that group. I hope seeing my art made them understand just how much this all meant to me.

participation.

We learned a lot of ways to cope in DBT, or 'skills' as they are referred in the terminology. I found my favorites among them, the ones that fit my everyday life and have already helped me with coping. But there was one that I completely fell in love with: participation. 

Participation is actively taking part in your life in current day. It is a skill of awareness, meaning you focus heavily on the current moment, you are aware of yourself within yourself and the environment you exist in. This happens through your senses typically, like focusing on one specific sensory trigger. Participation has helped me with so many different things, it's actually kind of crazy to think about how something so simple can be so effective. But one thing is by far the most important in my opinion.

Participation has helped with gaining a sense of control. When I actively participate in my own life and not just drift around aimlessly through time and space, I can feel the control that trauma and illness has made me lose slowly coming back. It's truly a wonderful feeling, one of the best kinds DBT has allowed me to experience.

If you want to learn more about DBT skills that I've found useful, please check out this YouTube video I made on the topic! If the embed code doesn't work, you can click this link to open the video in your browser.

With eternal gratitude,

ichigonya