Bullying Is Not Your Kink

 It is strange how often I see people equating bullying to degradation. The internet is fantastic for this kind of rhetoric, especially in the form of memes. While irony dominates the humor and jokes of the online world, I find it interesting and also beneficial to analyze this kind of rhetoric as something more than just that. Because humor in itself is a rhetorical device that's used to convey different messages and tones – some more truthful than others. And in the case of these bullying/degradation jokes, I believe that there is at least some truth to them. Let's explore that thought here!

There are two demographics who typically joke about bullying: the people who have been at the receiving end of such treatment, and the people who have no connection to it. What I have noticed over the years is that former bullied kids tend to joke about the experience of being bullied rather than the issue as a broader concept. In turn, those who have no personal connection to bullying at all tend to make jokes about the general concept of bullying, what it even is and how they perceive it as outsiders. 

If we entertain the thought that these observations are accurate, we can also assume that the bullying/degradation dynamic jokes are more likely made by those who have experienced bullying at some point in their lives. Since these are jokes found on the Interwebs, we have to assign a level of irony onto said jokes. With that being said, the additional ironic tone does not make the joke any less based on reality and actual lived experiences with bullying. 

I know that this might seem like a reach to a lot of readers, but my assumption of these jokes is the following: despite the ironic tone, the joke is based on the jokester's subjective experiences with bullying, and therefore it CAN BE, but IS NOT NECESSARILY, also rooted in subjective perception of the relation between bullying and degradation. 

public service announcement.

There is one thing that sets the two apart, though – and that is CONSENT. Acts of degradation (in a sexual context typically) are consensual between all parties involved. Any other type of degrading that the object of the degrading comments does not consent to, is a form of assault. Even if we are talking about degradation outside of the landscape of sexual intimacy  – like expressions of platonic affection between friends, for example – non-consensual degradation is a violent act. If you don't have the other person's permission to shit on them and insult them, you are being abusive toward them. 

Bullying is NEVER consensual, because it is abuse. Abuse can never be consensual in any circumstance. Kinks and fetishes can have acts that might seen abusive to outsiders, but what sets them apart from actual abuse is mutual consent. Degradation kink is a sexual fetish where the parties involved engage in consensual degradation, both of them deriving sexual pleasure from it. These degrading acts become abusive and akin to something someone experiencing bullying might go through the moment consent leaves the room.

I'm one of the most vanilla people out there. I don't have any kinks or fetishes, I'm plain ass demisexual lesbian. But even I know enough about fetishes and kinks that I can say how problematic it is to equate ABUSE to them. People who engage in kinks and fetishes experience a lot of kink-shaming as is, but one of the biggest points of criticism coming from outsiders has to do with the seemingly abusive acts present in kinks. This is something we need to fight against; those of us in the alphabet clan should know better. 

If you have a degradation kink, good for you, I'm happy for you. But don't bring a descriptor of abuse into it. That does nothing but harm both to your community as well as mine.

Missing uni,

ichigonya