Out Of My Own Body?

 "So, what does it really feel like? Is it like some type of out-of-body experience?"

I've been asked this question a few times after telling someone about my dissociation. It is a very common way of explaining the phenomenon to someone who doesn't have too much personal experience with it, and partly, it is true. But not every form of dissociation is the same, so not every one of them can be called an out-of-body experience. There is one that meets that definition pretty well, though. 

out of my body.

Depersonalization is a form of dissociation where one feels a lack of connection to oneself in various ways. These can include physical sense of self (a connection to one's own body and physical form), cognitive functions (thoughts and memories), emotional functions, and sense of identity (parts of one's identity). In short, in depersonalization, you feel a lack of connection to the person that you are, all different aspects of what makes you you. 

Sometimes when I'm dissociating very heavily, I look at myself in the mirror and I don't recognize my own reflection. It is by far one of the most terrifying feelings dissociation causes me to experience, because I know the person looking at me is my own reflection, but for some reason, I just don't recognize the face and body as something I myself have. There is a lack of connection between myself and my physical appearance, which I sometimes do explain as an out-of-body experience. 

But I've never actually seen myself out of my own body, like looking at myself from the ceiling or something. These are the kind of phenomena that some people report feeling in conjunction with near-death accidents. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to experience such a thing in reality. Maybe it'd scare me absolutely shitless though, because even now, I am terrified of the thought of being able to see myself do something without giving my body the okay first.

It's like someone else entirely is controlling my movements.

Zoning out,

ichigonya