Laugh It Out

 Have you ever started laughing in situations where it is not socially acceptable? Something people really frown upon is laughing at funerals, I've heard. Accident scenes are also some of these happenings. What determines whether laughing is an acceptable reaction can be difficult to dissect, especially if you are neurodivergent in some way. Generally speaking, though, places and situations where laughing is considered rude and impolite are serious events and quiet areas. If there is nothing funny going on, you shouldn't be laughing. But what is considered funny, then? That varies from person to person; not everyone finds the same things funny. This is just one of the reasons why social norms are so confusing to me, but I think in time, I have learned to remember when it is appropriate to do certain things, like laugh. That in itself is a task for me. 

Tragedy and suffering are generally not considered funny things to experience. They are serious life-altering events that affect the people involved in ways that vary between post-traumatic stress and grief. But even though occurrences such as the funeral of a loved one or a traumatic traffic accident are not conceptualized as something to laugh at, there are a lot of people who end up giggling in the situations themselves and afterwards when thinking back on what they went through. 

Humor is one of the most common coping mechanisms that people with trauma use to get by. I am also one of those people. Laughing about my problems makes it easier to live with them and deal with the emotions they make me feel – at least that's what I am aiming for. Sometimes, though, humor takes the form of dissociation and disconnects me entirely from the past and present alike, making it impossible for me to feel any type of way about the things I'm joking about. As if my soul escapes my body and mind through the laughter spilling out from my lips, and I am only observing from the outside. 

humor.

I have noticed that this tends to happen a lot whenever I'm talking about suicide and my suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I don't necessarily feel uncomfortable with the topic myself, but I guess I am aware of the fact that other people do, and I try to make it easier for everyone involved by joking about it. For some reason, usually I am the only one laughing at these jokes, so I don't know how effective it really is. 

Dissociation can be so much more than just staring at the ceiling. It takes on many different forms and presents itself differently depending on the person. A lot of my behavior when dissociated comes across as automatic and not intentional, but I am still performing these actions. I may be talking about how suicidal I have been feeling recently and then crack a few jokes about it, but I am not actually there consciously. When the mental agony gets too big for me to bear, laughter, jokes, inappropriate comments – all performed as dissociative actions – make the load a bit lighter to carry around. 

So no, I don't find the topic of suicide funny in itself – only when it's about myself. That's how everything else about mental illnesses always work, anyway.

Holding in my giggles,

ichigonya