Gaps & Corrupted Film

 I used to have a stunning memory when I was younger. I was able to memorize insane amounts of pointless information like the flags of all European countries, but also some very useful stuff like what the deadline for the most recent Finnish and literature assignment was. As a Kid, I had my classmates come to me for homework – not in the way that I'd do it for them, but in the way that I'd remind them of the pages and exercises we were supposed to complete for our next math lesson. 

Like many other artists, I also have a primarily visual memory. I remember places, scenes from my life like it was a movie I'd watched. I remember things I have seen – even the majority of my traumatic memories have to do with the setting the events took place in. I remember the classroom of my elementary years so well, every single detail, down to the pens resting on the rail below the whiteboard. I remember what the hallway looked like when I was standing there, waiting for one of my Friends to finish her rant on how she would gauge her eyeballs out of her skull if she ever looked the way I did. I remember her long brown hair, her violet shirt, the piercing look in her hateful eyes. 

Sometime in my late teens, though, I started experiencing issues with my memory. No more remembering pointless data like dates and flags of countries I'd never even been to. Even important stuff started slipping out of my mind, like my best friend's birthday and assignment deadlines. Time turned into sand seeping through my fingers, and my bowl of memories was nowhere to be found. 

film.

Sometimes, when you're in a very deep dissociative episode, it can cause memory loss, also known as amnesia. When your brain is in a dissociative state, it is not aware of the current happenings around you and therefore cannot store necessary information properly. You need to be aware of what is happening in order to internalize it, to memorize the data. But dissociation disconnects your brain from everything, from the reality and sometimes, even from yourself. When this keeps happening for prolonged periods of time, some level of amnesia is unavoidable. 

When I first told one of my previous therapists about my memory loss, she looked at me with irritation in her eyes and asked, "But do you really need to remember everything you did last week?" This confused me, because no, of course I don't have to remember every single little thing I have done in recent days, but the fact that I don't remember is an issue.

Imagine if suddenly, you weren't able to remember a single fucking thing about last month. Imagine if you just lost all recollections of your own actions, the things that happened to you, the people you'd come in contact with. Was last month particularly special for you? Was there something worth remembering about it? That doesn't matter, because the fact that you forgot it all is not normal.

Forgetting is just one facet of the human experience. We forget things that are no longer relevant for us. But sometimes, something comes up and corrupts the film in our brains – alcohol, drugs, traumatic brain injury, dissociation – and we forget huge chunks of our lives. That level of forgetfulness is pathological, and when you're in the middle of it, it can absolutely terrify you. 

I have month-long gaps in my memory. Don't ask me what I was doing in September 2021, because I do not remember. Don't ask me what I was doing in August 2023, because I do not remember. 

I wish film restoration was still a thing.

Remembering,

ichigonya