Spewing Out Slurs

 Discrimination comes in various shapes and sizes, and I am no stranger to quite a few of them. Being a member of several marginalized communities, I have faced all kinds of bigotry in my time. Granted, I do want to make it clear that I have had it relatively easy when it comes to discrimination like homophobia, mainly because of my very loving and accepting family. In some ways, I have been lucky in these experiences, especially when compared to some of my loved ones. Though, that doesn't mean that I have been completely let out of the hook. 

The first time I heard the word "retard" and its Finnish equivalents was not when it was directed toward me. To my recollection, it was the late 2000s, and that was a time when it was generally accepted and even encouraged among kids to use this ableist slur to describe themselves, their friends, and anyone who just was a bit different. I am pretty sure for me, it was one of those instances. The word really started to mean something to me when I became the receiving end of the interaction. 

At first, I didn't even understand what it meant. It took me embarrassingly long to figure out what I had actually been called. I remember the vague feeling of hurt in my chest, the sensation of someone hollowing out your heart, leaving only a gaping hole where the once beating muscle was. I knew it had been meant as an insult, but it was only years later that I realized why I had been hurt in the first place. 

retard.

"Vitun nolo anime-wannabe-kawaii-kehari."

I have been called so many creative and extraordinary names that I struggle to remember them all, but this one always stuck out to me. The association between the dearest hobby little me had and being a lame-ass fucking retard was really painful to realize. Little expressing her love for the one thing that protected her enough for the torment she was forced to endure every single day was so abhorrent and disgusting to some individual that they decided to make me hate myself for being neurodivergent. 

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While my family has been very accepting of me being a lesbian (my mom even going to the other extreme and having a problem with me going on a date with a guy), I have had other experiences with homophobic people. The one that was always the most disgusting about it was my first partner, the guy I thought I was in love with. His true colors were only revealed to me when we had dated for three years and lived together for two, and it completely shocked me. I couldn't believe what kind of person I had trusted my entire life with. The relationship was very toxic and problematic on so many levels, and his questionable moral values didn't lessen them.

dyke.

The Finnish word for 'dyke' is "lepakko". It translates to 'bat'. In English, it might even sound kind of cool, but to my Finnish ears, it is one of the most disgusting things you can call a woman. Because 'lesbian' in Finnish is "lesbo", the original variation of the ancient word that is somewhere now considered a slur or at least an insult, lepakko becomes this gross variation of the word that is so important to us. It leaves me feeling dirty, like a filthy, grimy bat living in the dark and humid caves where the Sun doesn't shine. 

My first partner called me a dyke many times. I think he thought I would have found it funny and ironic, considering the fact that we were supposed to be a couple, but that didn't quite turn to his favor – especially not when he decided to use the word against me while justifying his reasons as to why he had cheated on me before dumping me. 

Maybe if I hadn't been such a disgusting, filthy dyke, he wouldn't have broken me like that. 

Reclaiming myself, 

ichigonya