Grieving For The Me Who Could Have Been

 Childhood trauma changes everything about us. It paves the path for the rest of our lives, which makes it almost impossible to "just let go of it", like so many always keep telling us. The abuse you face in your early years forever alters the way your brain develops and functions, not only for the time being, but also for your adulthood. Your childhood will always stay with you, no matter if it was good or bad.

Especially prolonged childhood trauma has a long-lasting effect on the way your brain works. If the abuse had started when you were barely old enough to go to school, your brain is going to be wired according to that, simply because it has never known anything better. The abuse is the norm for you, and so the trauma that is caused by that abuse also becomes the norm. The survival mechanisms that have been activated in your undeveloped child brain will become part of its everyday cognitive functions, and that will further continue to be the case even when the abuse is finally over. Because from the very first moments of your human experience you have been subjected to torment and terror, your brain will continue to protect itself even when there is no need for that anymore. Because you will never know, it could start up again today.

Borderline personality disorder is one of those trauma-based disorders that usually develops due to severe and prolonged abuse the patient has faced in their childhood. It is a result of the survival mechanisms in your brain taking over and preventing your personality and psyche from developing in a healthy manner. When all you've been able to focus on as a child is surviving, there was no time left for developing an identity, building a self-image, learning to regulate emotions. 

You are who you are because of your trauma. Your trauma is the foundation of who you are as a person.

funeral.
original finnish lyrics by aki tykki of happoradio (song 'pikkuveli'); translated by ichigonya.

I will never know what kind of person little me could have been if they had been allowed to grow up. If they had been able to actually live and not only make it through another day. I will never know what kind of personality I would have had, what things would've been different. If I'd still be overly-excited about shoujo anime and so full of love and life that it'd actually be too much for the people around me to handle. And sometimes, I sit in my home, look around myself and see all the cute plushies and pretty anime girl figurines, and I grieve. I grieve the loss of the Kid in the same way as I grieve someone I'd known who'd passed away recently. 

And in those moments, I wonder if it would just be easier to bear the little Kid to their grave and let them go. To start again, to have a completely different life. Because as much as I love Hello Kitty and Hatsune Miku, I don't love them nearly as much as she did. And I feel like this is a home I should not be living in. But the person who could have lived here is no longer with us. 

And I'm left wondering if she'd still be at the claws of the bullies today.

Waiting for my longing to start leaking,

ichigonya