In No Need Of Passion

 Gender is a very interesting thing. I have, without a doubt, done my own fair share of self-exploration in terms of my gender identity, and it has been a confusing journey, to say the least. Without going into too much detail for the sake of remaining on topic of our current chapter, I will say this one thing: the concept of manhood is very dear to me, and something I feel a strong connection to, without actually identifying myself with it. 

I think we don't give language enough credit for what it's able to convey, and it is no different in terms of gender either. Language is a beautiful man-made set of sounds and rules, only bound to each other by some arbitral agreement we as the human race have at some point come to. This translates to gender very heavily, and we are now becoming aware of this connection as we are trying to break free from the gendered norms our language has set for us as individuals and societal communities alike. 

As a linguist, I love language for not only the things it represents and refers to but also what it is, as a stand-alone human construction. I love words for what they mean and what they are like: how they feel in my mouth, how they sound, what kind of mental associations we are able to make based on them. And I think that a lot of the connection I feel to the concept of manhood is similar in its nature. It is not necessarily about what manhood really is, but more so about what it represents, what it feels like, looks like. 

In simpler terms, I could say this: I am not a man myself, but I feel a connection to the man I could have been, or maybe the one that lives within me somewhere. 

pastel-colored man.
original finnish lyrics by aki tykki of happoradio (song "vakava nainen"); translated by ichigonya.

I have never hated the fact that I am a woman, nor have I ever thought that I should have been a man instead. There is no need for me to be anything else than what I am right now, but there is this nostalgic longing that I feel for the thought of what it's like to embody manhood, masculinity, if you will. It is not a desire that I must follow but a curiosity that I sometimes want to explore. And I feel like I have been doing it pretty well recently by presenting myself as a masculine person, to the extend that strangers have thought of me as a guy. Sometimes I just like looking like a dude, feeling like a dude, without being a dude.

There is something very special in a man putting himself into the shoes of a woman. Whenever I encounter such a sight, it leaves a lasting effect on me. This happened very recently as I rediscovered the song "Vakava Nainen"; a song written by a 40-year-old Finnish dude in a rock band. The song is about a woman who gets married to a guy she think is just alright for her but doesn't bring her the happiness she longs for. The line "sinä olet pastellinsävyinen mies" struck a chord within me so deep that I was left thinking about it for days. And then I realized why that was.

Sparks,

ichigonya