The Aching In My Muscles

 For quite some time now, I have suspected that all of my physical symptoms might be caused by fibromyalgia. A lot of trauma survivors develop this chronic pain disorder, including one of my biggest idols, Lady Gaga. I became aware of the condition through her, actually. When I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I was hit with a wave of realization: an artist I really look up to has that condition too. Gaga has talked about her mental health struggles a lot more openly in the recent years, and the more I hear her talk about what it is like to live with fibromyalgia and other constant post-traumatic symptoms, the more I find myself relating to her. She is, truly, one of my biggest inspirations; a supporting force whose art has helped me get through a lot of rough spots during the years. 

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder where the patient experiences a varying degree of pain all around their body, mainly in their limbs. There are also specific points in the body that are sore to the touch at all times, seemingly without no reason. These are scattered around the body, in the chest, neck, and nape as well as the limbs. Along with the chronic pain, fibromyalgia patients experience a vast spectrum of other symptoms, including brain fog, fatigue, muscle weakness, excessive sweating, muscle spasms, and tremors. I have experience with all of these, and these symptoms have gotten progressively worse during the past year, to the point that I have had to spend entire days doing nothing but laying in bed, barely getting out of bed to go to the bathroom, because my legs have been in so much pain I haven't been able to walk properly. 

There is a clear link between psychological trauma and fibromyalgia, but to my knowledge, the science behind this connection is yet to be discovered. What we do know is that trauma can cause the body to develop a chronic pain disorder when the trauma becomes too much for the brain to handle. "Trauma gets stored in the body" really becomes evident in fibromyalgia. 

help.

My muscles are sore very often, and I have to take copious amounts of ibuprofen almost every day. I hope to be be able to talk about my chronic pain with the nurse soon, so that I could treat my aching limbs in a more efficient way. Because as we all know, ibuprofen is not the best medicine out there for regular consumption. But right now, I don't really have a choice: if I have to go out and my legs are hurting, I have to pop painkillers so that I can survive. Especially when I am alone. 

But when they are here with me, they help me with my pain a lot. "Do you want me to rub your legs?" they ask me when they notice I'm grimacing in pain. And then they do it, over and over again, as often as I need it. 

Really, I do not know how I would survive without her help. But I am so grateful I don't even have to think about that scenario, because I am certain that there will never be a time when I'd have to survive on my own ever again. She is always going to be here for me, as much as I am always going to be there for her. And if my legs are aching again, I can just ask them to help me with them, and they'll do it gladly.

I owe so much to her. Though, I don't know if it is necessarily about owing anything, if this is just what you call unconditional love. That is a bit of a foreign concept for me, after all. 

Missing You,

ichigonya