Trauma Doesn't Make You Stronger

 I spend the most of my time alone in my own home. My parents do live very close to me, but not close enough so that I could call them over every time I'm having an episode. So I tend to deal with them on my own accord. Sometimes it gets really lonely: there is no one in the apartment with me, just me and my shaking body. I feel so isolated from everyone and the whole world: no one knows what goes on behind these walls. Maybe my neighbors have heard my uncontrollable sobs, but that is all.  In a lot of ways, it takes me back to my childhood. When I was sitting in my own room, silently crying while trying to understand what it was that was making me cry in the first place. I kept myself hidden from the rest of the world, because I didn't think anyone would care enough to listen; because the people who I thought would care about me didn't. I had to hide myself away, especially from other people but also from myself, I think. It took me a very long time to finally realize why ...

 For quite some time now, I have suspected that all of my physical symptoms might be caused by fibromyalgia. A lot of trauma survivors develop this chronic pain disorder, including one of my biggest idols, Lady Gaga. I became aware of the condition through her, actually. When I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I was hit with a wave of realization: an artist I really look up to has that condition too. Gaga has talked about her mental health struggles a lot more openly in the recent years, and the more I hear her talk about what it is like to live with fibromyalgia and other constant post-traumatic symptoms, the more I find myself relating to her. She is, truly, one of my biggest inspirations; a supporting force whose art has helped me get through a lot of rough spots during the years.  Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder where the patient experiences a varying degree of pain all around their body, mainly in their limbs. There are also specific points in th...