Life Update: My Girl

 My girlfriend from the US stayed with me in Finland for almost the entire month of April. I dropped them at the airport yesterday at the time of writing this entry. Four weeks is a long time to spend with another person, and especially when that person is so very dear to you, after such a long period letting them go becomes that much more difficult. In other words, I have been feeling sad since she left, but I guess that is to be expected. Goodbyes at the airport never get any easier.

As is very evident in my lack of posting of any kind, I wanted to spend all the time with my girlfriend when they were here with me, and I put all work aside for those three weeks. I was working on some little things here and there, but I did not have a set work schedule like I normally do. I can draw and write whenever I want to, but I only get to hold my girlfriend's hand a couple of times a year. 

With me living in my new apartment, we got a lot of time just for ourselves. We did the laundry and the dishes, changed the sheets in my bed, and bought groceries together. It was like we were already living together. And I have never felt such contentment and peace in my heart. Everything about spending time with her makes me feel like I have finally found my home, my place, my safe space where nothing can hurt me anymore. I refuse to believe that us meeting each other on Instagram was anything else than fate: it was always meant to be like this, since the very beginning. 

comfort.

Even when they are here with me, I tend to have a lot of episodes despite all the positive feelings being in their presence makes me feel. That is all part of the disorder, though: you cannot have a break from your mental illness just because your partner from another continent is sitting next to you. So I cry a lot, cry and scream and bang my head against the wall. I shake and tremble, my muscles are convulsing. And they are holding me, comforting me, guiding me through it all. I could not be more grateful for everything they do for me, but I would like to think they know at the least the majority of it already. 

While I might be the one with a personality disorder and shitload of childhood trauma, my girlfriend is not a stranger to mental health struggles, either. So sometimes, I return that comfort and solace to her, because she needs it just the same as I do. She is the beckoning light in my dark and clouded sky, but I also try my best to be, if nothing else, a warm blanket for her to wrap herself in. 

I am planning on going to the States in August. The US is a crazy place right now, and especially the southern states are not the safest for LGBTQ+ people, but I want to see that craziness again. It is intriguing and exciting to me; I cannot wait to go back.

For my princess,

ichigonya