Don't You Dare Say That Word

 "Suicide."

It is a word I have become really familiar with over the years, especially the last 12 months. It is a heavy word, it stays in the air hanging, suffocating. It carries the meaning of the worst kind of pain a human being living on this planet can face. And maybe more than anything else, it is a word a lot of people never want to hear – for one reason or the other. 

A part of me understands why the majority of us are so scared of suicide even as a word, a concept. It all ties back to the ideas and thoughts I've discussed earlier in this chapter. But I think there is a much bigger part in me that is boundlessly confused by the sheer hysteria the uttering of those syllables sometimes causes. And I think that is, without a doubt, one of the biggest problems we as a society have when it comes to helping people who want to kill themselves. As long as we are this scared of the word alone, that is how long we will lose even more lives that could have been saved if they had only been listened to. 

s word, part 1.

What I am failing to understand here is how you get immediately shunned and pushed aside if you even dare to say the S word. The first reaction is always the age-old "go talk to a professional", as if getting help is a new concept to us. Chances are that if someone is coming to you to talk about their suicidal thoughts, they have probably already met up with a health care professional but did not get the help they needed. They only want someone to listen, that is all. But why is that such a huge thing to ask for?

Suicidal thoughts are usually just one symptom of a more complex mental illness. Because people do not typically want to die any earlier than their life naturally comes to an end, wishing for death upon oneself is a pathological phenomenon and a sign of a bigger issue. But the stigmatization of suicide has lead into a situation where we are not allowed to talk about our struggles with our mental health openly; where we have to censor ourselves for others' comfort. Saying the words "I have suicidal thoughts" is not the same as "I am going to kill myself right now, please help me". If we have to put others' well-being over our own when we are in this much pain, that will, unfortunately, have devastating consequences. 

Even the slightest mention of suicidal ideations or self-harm can result in permanent banning or deletion of your account. It is ridiculous just how much other people are scared of our situation, our pain that they would rather just let us die than help us if professionals are not available. As soon as the S word has left your lips, it gets thrown right back at you, destroying your dignity and hopes for a better tomorrow in the process. "Keep that shit to yourself, sicko."

s word, part 2.

I am tired of keeping my pain all to myself. I am tired of hurting and other people ignoring me for their own comfort, own benefit. I am tired of putting others' well-being ahead of my own. If this makes you uncomfortable, good. If hearing me talk about how I sometimes do not want to continue living on this planet makes you uncomfortable, good. If seeing my self-harm scars makes you uncomfortable, GOOD. That is the bare minimum you should feel when encountered with me. Because my life has been so much more than just uncomfortable, and you will never truly understand the severity of my pain. 

But please, let me at least talk about it.

With sealed lips,

ichigonya