" We Never Wanted You Here"

 On the first day of fourth grade, I got greeted with about a dozen of girls from my class. They noticed me right away when I stepped into the doorframe. Their faces turned into looks of disgust and horror, and they all approached me as a group. 

There are a lot of instances, a lot of moments in my childhood that I remember like they happened yesterday. A lot of my trauma did get buried under the constant state of dissociation I was in, but some things were just so memorable and hurtful that not even my brain was able to protect me from them. 

It would be an understatement to say that I wasn't welcome in that class. I had left that school, those people, two years prior and moved to a new town on the other side of the country, and then just as suddenly as I had left, I came back as if nothing had happened. I only wanted to be in the same group with my best friend, but that was a wish I shouldn't have had. It would have saved me from a lot of the abuse I had to go through.

I find it very difficult to write about these specific happenings, it makes my heart pound louder than the music playing in my ears. Something that I have decided while working on this project is that it's pointless to go into the ugly details of my abuse, because at the end of the day, my abuse is not why I am here. But maybe this event is something that I could talk about a bit more, no matter how sick it makes me feel.

bathroom, part 1.

Why did you come back? You should have just stayed wherever it was that you went.

Everything here was so much better without you.

We don't need you here.

Go back where you came from.

You're useless, a waste of space.

Everyone would be so much better off without you.

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One of the only constants in my life has been the ever-present feeling of not being welcomed. I have never really felt welcome anywhere outside of my family. In various social settings, by a plethora of different people, I have been made to feel unneeded, useless, unimportant, unloved, unwanted. And it was not only in school – it was everywhere I ever went where there were kids my age. 

Including online communities, and maybe especially them. 

The feelings of unwelcomeness varied in their intensity. I guess I could safely say that the most soul-crushing of those circumstances have been those numerous times someone has told me to kill myself. Usually it has been accompanied by the notion that it would be better for everyone involved, but especially other people, if I just died and was not here to bother anyone with my existence.

sign.

I have been trying to think of a reason people have said that to me. I never did anything to provoke them, I never said something inappropriate. I was only existing as me, the person that I was, as a Kid. But for some reason, that was enough to set these people off – and on so many occasions, too. 

I have never been needed or wanted among my peers. I have been made very aware of the fact that instead, I am a hindrance to everyone and should die and make everyone's life that much easier. And I still feel that way. I don't know when that feeling will go away, if ever. 

You should have just killed me yourself, then. That would have saved us all a lot of the trouble.

My chest hurts,

ichigonya