Waiting For Something That Will Never Come

 "Things will get better eventually."

I wish I knew how many times this sentence has been uttered to me. Sometimes it has been in the form of a promise, sometimes as a consolation. The motive doesn't really change the message in any meaningful way: at the end of the day, the person who repeats this sentence to me over and over again always wants me to keep holding on. Not give up. Just hang in there, a bit longer. Soon, everything will be okay, I promise. 

I wish I remembered when was the first time I heard someone say that to me. It must have been in my childhood sometime, most likely in elementary. Maybe a teacher that I had confided in and gone to talk about the things the other kids were doing to me. Maybe the school nurse whom I'd told about how miserable I was feeling at school every day. No matter who and when it was, I know that I was very young. A child. Ever since I was a child, I have been promised this one thing, that everything will be okay eventually. That one day, I won't have to be in pain anymore.

When mental health professionals tell you that if you just wait a bit longer, things will get better, it feels like the entire basis of your psychological pain is a joke to them. Because what do they think you have been doing all these years? NOT waiting?

I have done my waiting. And I have done too much of it.

desperation.

I haven't been receiving any medical treatment since December. The Finnish health case system has completely failed me yet again, and here I am, waiting for something to happen. I have even moved out of my old city, but because some idiot doctor is refusing to write my referral note to a new doctor in another hospital, nothing has happened in terms of my health. So I am stuck here, waiting, dealing with my uncontrollable BPD symptoms on my own. And people keep telling me to just "hang in there".

You know, at times this gets so frustrating that I need to fight back the urge to scream OH YES I WILL BE HANGING IN THERE – IN MY OWN APARTMENT FROM A FUCKING NOOSE!! How long do outsiders really think that just waiting for better days is going to help me keep going? I have been nothing but waiting for my whole fucking life; waiting for better days that dozens of people have promised me will come but never did. I have waited for better days to come for longer than I remember actually enjoying being alive. If you life has been filled with nothing but pain, empty promises, betrayed trust, and unfounded hope for a better tomorrow, is it even surprising that you want to kill yourself?

take me away.

With no sight of therapy or any other form of medical treatment outside of the medication I am already on, my life is completely controlled and defined by my BPD symptoms. At their worst, they literally disable me, make me unable to do basic human tasks needed in order to function. I have no means of helping myself with any of this, because the people who are supposed to help me help myself are not listening. So sometimes it feels comforting to just succumb to the symptoms, indulge in my unhealthy coping mechanisms and survive yet another day while cutting my skin open. And sometimes, when it gets really hard, I think that it would best if the Pain just took me away from here, because apparently helping me is practically impossible, so please, just end this misery already then.

If my life will never be anything else than coping with the Pain, she might as well take me and make me hers completely. 

Hanging,

ichigonya