Doormat

There comes a point in your life when you start to wonder why bad things keep happening to you year after year. Why people keep mistreating you, hurting you, abusing you. You are desperate to find any kind of explanation for it, no matter how irrational it may be. And when literally everything about the circumstances change – the place, the time, the people – everything but you, you wonder why that may be. 

It's not as much that I believe I am deserving of what has happened to me. It's not that I think my abusers were right in what they said and did, that I am not deserving of anything else than shit being thrown at me. I've come to the conclusion that it is more about how I view myself in relation to the rest of the world. That because everything around me can change, the milieu and the people, and I will still be victimized, it must be because this is my place in this world. 

That this is my role in social settings and the society as a whole. 

all i'll ever get.

Punching bag, human trashcan, doormat...

A lot of wonderful metaphors for a person like me. Someone whose purpose is to agree to do anything others ask for them, to provide stress relief by subjecting themself to others' anger, to just be kicked around for the sheer fun of it.

That is my role in this world. That is my only purpose and task in this world.

team tasks.

Yes, I was always picked the last in PE class. It is a cliche for the bullied kid to go through, but I don't know if it's as cliched to be beaten up with hockey sticks and pushed down to the ice. Or have all basketballs and volleyballs thrown at your face hard enough to almost knock you down. Or get told by the boys of the class, and I quote, "just stick to the sides and don't mess with the game, you fucking suck at everything and just make everything so much worse". 

My experiences with ostracism from my peers did not stay in PE. They followed me everywhere I went, at school, outside of school, after school, as a kid, as a teenager, as an adult. There has never been any spot for me to fill, any role to play in groups. I have not belonged anywhere; I have been rejected by everyone and every community I have ever tried to join. 

The shadow that loneliness casts on your life can be really long. 

I hope you see me as a pink and fluffy doormat.

Tickling your toes,

ichigonya