This Is So Hard For Us

 Many a time you hear people talk about the struggles of having a loved one who's mentally ill; how challenging it is for the family and friends to live with the constant stress and pressure of someone really important fighting their inner demons. There's a lot of support groups meant for family and friends of the mentally ill, where they can share their experiences and sympathize with each other.

Offering such support to those who have a mentally ill loved one is an important part of preventative mental health care. It is, evidently, very common that mental illness spreads its poisonous tentacles around the entire family and friend group if it's not taken care of. Mentally ill parents have mentally ill children – especially when the illness goes untreated for too long. 

So a part of me can't really fault the people who put an emphasis on the struggles that the close ones of the mentally ill face. It's all done in the name of preventative mental health care, which is just as important as helping those who already are ill. I understand. 

But I don't know if putting the blame on the already ill is the way to go.

stop hurting us.

Self-harm is one of those things that you cannot really understand if you haven't experienced it yourself. The concept of intentionally hurting yourself goes completely against everything that it means to be a human: we try to avoid getting hurt and being in pain at every cost. But if you haven't been in that situation yourself, you can't really see that self-harm, too, is a way to escape the pain you're feeling. 

As a coping mechanism, cutting is without a doubt at the very top of the most unhealthy ones. It is dangerous as it can lead to unintentionally deep wounds that can result in a lot of muscle or nerve damage – and even death. But once the habit has been developed, it is a very tricky thing to get rid of. 

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A few weeks ago when I had a session with my psychologist, we were talking about my cutting and what I want to do about it. I told her that I don't really care about it one way or another, and that getting rid of the habit is not something I'm prioritizing right now. She apparently took this as an invitation to convince me to change my mind. 

"You have to think about the consequences of your actions. After you've done that to yourself and called an ambulance, you have to pay for medical bills – bills for something you caused to yourself. Think about the ugly wounds and scars you have to take care of and live with for the rest of yourself. And what about your parents – don't you understand how worried they must be? How much this is hurting them? Do you really want to do this to them?"

Guilt tripping me for harming myself because of the pain other people have caused me?

Blaming me for being in so much pain that I can't cope in any other way than shifting the focus from mental pain to physical?

I have to ask – whose skin am I really pressing the blade on?

Tending my wounds,

ichigonya