Scratching The Surface

 The year was 2017 when I started cutting myself. I was a second year student in higher secondary school, 17 years old. The autumn of that year was when I first noticed myself getting bad: the first symptoms of depression, soul-crushing anxiety, dissociation in math class – and the overwhelming urge to rip my skin apart. 

The concept of self-harm was not new to me, for I had spent a great deal of time on the internet by that point. I knew there were a lot of people who did that to themselves, and that there were as many different reasons for that kind of behavior. Still, it never really clicked with me, until I was in that situation myself. I guess it's one of those things that you won't understand til it happens to you.

In 2017, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I got my first antidepressants, I am still on that pill five years later. I remember feeling confused: I knew there was something wrong with me, but I couldn't put a finger on it, and being on meds felt very strange. I mean, I didn't want to kill myself then, so how could I have been depressed? I just felt this immense amount pain in my heart, suffocating agony in my lungs, and I wanted to see the red teardrops my skin cried when I pressed the sharp kitchen knife onto my arm. 

Self-destructive or parasuicidal behavior is a major symptom on depression and borderline personality disorder. It doesn't have to involve an active pursue for ending one's life; the main goal is to cause physical pain, whatever the reason for that may be. The reasons vary between thinking you deserve to be in pain and forcing your brain to focus on the physical pain instead of the mental one. For me, there have been too many a reason for me to even count them here. 

When your skin breaks, your body produces a lot of adrenaline, a hormone that is meant to highten your senses and reflexes in case an emergency situation occurs. Some people call it the fight-flight response. Because adrenaline is a chemical, you can get addicted to it in the same way you would to nicotine or ethanol. When you experience adrenaline rushes on a regular basis, for example in form of a workout routine or self-harm session, your body develops an addiction to the hormone it produces in those moments. That is why professional athletes act as if though they are dependent on exercise: because they are, they are dependent on the adrenaline rush they feel. The same applies to people who cut themselves.

an itch under my skin.

More than anything, self-harm for me is a coping mechanism. It is a method I have chosen to utilize whenever I feel bad, no matter what kind of bad it is. Dissociating, panicking, feeling suicidal, feeling empty, aching and hurting all over my body – doesn't matter, the solution is always the same; picking up the blade. 

For sure, I'm also an addict. I am addicted to the adrenaline my body produces whenever I break the skin on my arms. And If I were to guess, that is probably the main reason why I always gravitate toward cutting instead of doing something more productive and healthy. Addiction is a problem in my family in general, my father is an alcoholic. So I guess this is my alcohol in a way.

About a month ago, I decided to cut myself again on a complete impulse. The wound ended up being a lot deeper than I'd intended: I'd cut all the way to the big vein in my right arm, the one that takes the blood from my heart to my fingertips. Needless to say, I had to get it stitched up because blood was gushing out of my arm, shooting everywhere, making a huge mess. I was confused, I didn't understand how something like that could've happened.

It didn't even hurt that much.

I thought I was making another one of those typical cuts that I have, the pain wasn't blinding or anything. But there it was, a vein torn open. On a complete accident. 

And I only meant to scratch the surface a little. 

Merry Christmas,

ichigonya

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CHAPTER 2: BLADE – BEGINNING